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When my husband and I decided that we were ready for IVF, I made the huge mistake of buying a book in Barnes & Noble about IVF. Upon initially flipping through the pages to see what it was about, I was kind of shocked at what I was reading. Page after page of the authors interpretation of how a couple going through IVF should feel, depressed, sad, unworthy, unfulfilled, inadequate.....none of which we were feeling. So I stopped reading it. I tucked it away under the sink and vowed to never open it again.

A little background information - My husband Billy and I were married on December 31, 2006 on the Jersey Shore. We never gave much thought to having kids at first mainly because we were having such a great time being married. Kids to us just seemed unnecessary. We didn't feel like we were missing anything and to be quite honest, the idea of having to alter our already perfect life, was absolutely out of the question.

Fast forward 5 years...We buy a 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom mini-mansion in NJ.....just me, my husband and the dog.
Now skip to year 6...we find ourselves sitting in the waiting room at the fertility doctor waiting to start our IVF class.

I had always been irregular. I once went an entire year without my period. I was told it would be difficult for me to get pregnant because my uterus tilted backwards. It wasn't until my mother in law asked me if I ovulate, that I actually questioned whether or not I actually did. So to the gynecologist we go and guess who doesn't ovulate? ME! So we do some research and we find Dr. Jane Miller, fertility expert. Right from the start, this is a bad experience. We just wanted to know what was up with my body and why it was choosing to hold on to all of my eggs. So they do an analysis on Billy to see if his "boys" are up to the task. They do a painful HSG to see if I have any blockages or if my uterus isn't the correct shape. Everything is perfect. Dr. Miller said she couldn't have asked for a better uterus. Awesome! Then comes the BOOM. The doctor is sitting in front of us telling us that even though we have great insurance, they don't take insurance and we have to pay out of pocket.
Yeah...no. So that ended that. And back to our happy, child-free life we went.

In the meantime, niece #1 is born and I am in the delivery room for that. Watching her come into the world changed me. It woke something up inside me that I didn't know even existed. My family works together so every day for the first 2 years of her life, she was here at work with me. Her mom refereed to her as my daughter and my life became about feedings and napping, changing diapers, belly laughs and temper tantrums. It was bliss.
One month after niece #1, comes niece #2, my brother's daughter. Now I am in love, hard. Every picture and video that he sent to me, fueled this maternal fire inside of me.

You know the saying - Kids can be cruel? Well, adults can be crueler. Things that have been said to me, literally have me floored. I have been told that I am not complete as a woman unless I have a child, My life is meaningless without the love of a child, I am not blessed, Why did we get married if we had no intention of having children. This was always my favorite since I thought marriage was about marriage and parenthood was about taking care of your children. Plus, if I would have known this 6 years ago, it would have saved my parents a pretty penny on a wedding. If I ever hold a position of power, I am putting into effect a law stating fertility tests are mandatory before applying for your marriage license. Insert eye roll.

I am not alone. Apparently many of our childless friends have met with the same comments from assholes who either just don't get it or are just....well.....assholes.

March 12, 2013.....IVF Class appointment. I'll admit, I was hella-nervous the morning of. I texted my friends Kelly and Lita knowing that they would talk me off of the proverbial ledge. Billy woke up. And I have to admit, the words - Let's not go...would have been met with an extra enthusiastic - OKAY!!. I am not sure why I was so nervous. I mean it wasn't like we were going to walk in and the doctor would be standing there with a turkey baster and a pair of tweezers saying - Get in the stirrups cupcake! And then - BOOM! PREGNANT!
So we go to the class. There was another couple in there with us. It was a lot to take in and some of what the nurse was explaining did get me nervous, like with the insurance and medications but we ordered everything there and were told that our insurance covered everything. We were lucky. There was one thing that made me tear up though. As the nurse was explaining the extraction, she said that they would call us after the insemination to tell us how many embryos we had. I don't know why that got me, but it did. Billy didn't understand it either. He said they aren't babies yet and I said - Well, they are pre-babies!

So now the waiting game starts. Wait for test results. We wait for insurance approval. We wait for my cycle to start. And somewhere in the middle of all this waiting, I'll breathe and take it all in. And with a little lucky, at the end of the road, we will have a small piece of the two of us.

Where there is life, there is hope...